Let me go ahead and ease your mind right away….IT’S NORMAL. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about why it happens and what you can do if you find yourself in this position. Be sure to read to the end because I will share a secret that you probably won’t find on any other blog about this topic because it is so taboo (spoiler alert….in rare cases you might actually be in love).

It is very common for a person to develop these types feelings for their therapist during their therapy journey, especially if there is a strong, working, therapeutic alliance. It’s actually common, and normal, to experience all kinds of feelings towards your therapist, not just romantic ones. The relationship between a therapist and a client is a very real relationship and there has to be a connection or you will make no progress in therapy. If you feel an emotional connection to your therapist, consider yourself lucky because you have something that you can really work with on the healing front. Bonus fact…this can happen with other figures in your life and not just with your therapist (I will explain in detail later in the article).

Now, the reason you are here. WHY is this HAPPENING?

If you have spent any time in a psychology class you have probably heard of the word transference. You may have even read other articles about transference so you might be just about ready to click away and continue your search. But I will explain it in a way that perhaps others have not. Simply put, transference is the act of transferring something to something (or someone) else. Think knowledge. For instance, I am transferring this knowledge of why you may feel this way about your therapist to you. Transference. It can happen with other types of relationships besides with your therapist as well, such as:

• Parents (yeup)
• Teachers (go ahead and smile, you know who you are)
• Doctors (this is for all you Grey’s Anatomy folks)
• Other authority figures (I’m looking at you police lovers)

Transferences can also happen with many other emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, or attachment. Luckily, there is a perfectly logical reason why this is occurring. I’m not only going to tell you the likely reason (what every educated psychology major would tell you) but I’m also going to tell you the unlikely reason (because I have seen it happen first hand).

The most likely reason this is happening.

First I will tell you what any other psychology article about transference will tell you and then I will tell you what they don’t tell you. In psychotherapy (or talk therapy), transference is the phenomenon where a client experiences feelings toward the therapist that appear to be based on the patient’s past feelings about someone else. The source of these feelings is not often recognized by the client, but the therapist is trained to be able to identify it….if the client is honest about their feelings. Transference can be a conscious or unconscious act, though most of the time is it unconscious until the underlying issue is brought to the forefront. Romantic feelings towards your therapist is specifically called erotic transference. Did you know that it is possible for your therapist to experience this as well? In the case where a therapist develops any type of feelings for their client it is referred to as counter transference. While not as common, you will likely never know if your therapist is experiencing this with you, even if you confess your own feelings to them. They spend many years getting the education for their career, followed by a pretty intense licensing board test, and are well trained to identify these types of things and set boundaries. It is highly improbable (not impossible, which we will get to later) that you would ever encounter a situation where your relationship with your therapist would go any further than the hour or so you spend with them in session. So rest assured that, even if you have these feelings and confess them to your therapist, and even if we went as far as to say the feelings were mutual, only great healing done in a professional manner, would come from the situation. Now that I’ve potentially crushed your soul, let’s dive a little deeper into why transference occurs.

The therapeutic relationship between a therapist and their client is no doubt intimate in nature. You take two humans and put them together in a situation where strong emotions and feelings are involved and it really isn’t surprising that many people develop these romantic feelings towards their therapist.

There are several different reasons why you can fall in love with your therapist and, if you really think about it, they all make perfect sense. According to Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW, here are some common reasons why

• You look at your therapist in unrealistic ways (e.g., you perceive them to be perfect and idealize them).
• You discuss strong emotions from a previous relationship, and/or your therapist may remind you of a past romantic partner. You mistakenly attach these romantic feelings to your therapist.
• You feel comfortable and safe in a successful therapeutic environment and might mistake this for passion or love.
• Therapists are often viewed by patients as authority figures — people who can help alleviate emotional pain and trauma. Feelings of gratitude can be perceived as love.
• You may not have experienced a healthy intimate relationship. It might feel safe to have feelings for your therapist because they won’t be returned (in an ethical, professional relationship).
• You have unmet needs in your relationships, and your sessions might often discuss issues relating to love and/or sex. In this case, transference can occur.
• You’re able to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings and not be judged or ridiculed by your therapist. It might seem natural for you to “fall in love” with someone who offers this unconditional attention, safe environment, and comfort.

Ahh, I bet you are perhaps making the connection now as to why you get all tingly at the thought of seeing or speaking to your therapist. Maybe those thoughts of wondering what your therapist is doing or what their life is like that seemingly started out of nowhere, now makes sense to you. Maybe that longing that you are feeling for your therapist between sessions and/or that sad, empty, feeling you have when your session ends is starting to click. Or……maybe not.

The less likely reason this is happening.

Maybe even after reading this and considering that all the things above may be the case (truly considering it, not just saying you have considered it), you still feel that isn’t right and it doesn’t describe what you are feeling and it doesn’t click with you. Even after sitting and imagining your therapist breaking down into tears or going into a temporary fit of frustration or rage, or picturing you and your therapist having a fight over who forgot to bring home the milk, or imagining having a conversation with your therapist while lounging around and noticing that they aren’t really listening to you but instead they are scrolling on their phone…..if after all of that, you still feel strongly that you are in love with your therapist….maybe….you are.

This is the part that not many people in this field want to acknowledge. That is because it is so taboo and it is so drilled into the trained therapist that it makes the topic easier to deal with if you slap a “logical reason” on it and label it as transference. But sometimes it just simply isn’t. It is unreasonable to think that putting two human beings together in a setting where an intimate and emotional relationship is formed would never lead to mutual romantic feelings. It is simply unrealistic to turn the other cheek and pretend that it isn’t possible for that to happen.

So, you may truly be in love with your therapist. Furthermore, it is possible your therapist feels the same about you. However, even in this case, your therapist is bound by an ethical code that prohibits any inappropriate client/therapist relationships and they should not, and likely would not, act on these feelings. It happens. But it shouldn’t. It is possible that a lot of hate will come from the very end of this article but I feel it’s important to share so that those who may really be experiencing these feelings know that they are not alone. But first, lets talk about what to do if you find yourself swooning over your therapist.

What to do, what to do?

If you have come this far, you are looking for either what to do, or you are looking for my promised story at the end. Here are some things to do if you feel you are in love with your therapist.

• Accept your feelings! Many people in this situation try to suppress and ignore the feelings and guess what that does? It makes the feelings STRONGER! The first step is to just acknowledge your feelings and accept that it’s okay to have them.
• Talk to your therapist about your feelings. At first this may seem really weird and uncomfortable but remember you are dealing with a trained professional (who has most likely heard this before). If you express your feelings to your therapist they can use that in therapy to understand why these feelings have occurred and give insight on how to manage them. With it can come great healing and understanding for yourself.
• Explore your feelings! The client/therapist relationship is meant to be a safe place for you to explore feelings and emotions without judgment. Suppressing and ignoring the feelings could impact the therapeutic relationship and prolong the potential healing that could come from talking about it.
• Think about your therapist in a more realistic way. Instead of picturing your therapist as a perfect saint who listens and understands your needs and desires, imagine the two of you parking a camper together in the dead of summer heat with mosquitos eating you alive and communication that is a two way brick wall.

Things to avoid.

• Changing therapists. Don’t jump the gun and seek out a new therapist just because you are feeling this way. It can feel like the best thing to do in the moment after you confess your love to your therapist, but sticking it out has the potential to be the most rewarding outcome.
• Judging yourself. It can be easy to be embarrassed, ashamed, have feelings of guilt or confusion, and in those feelings develop negative self-talk that is counter productive to therapy. It is important to remember that it is common in a therapy setting and there is nothing abnormal or shameful about it.
• Expecting reciprocation. As harsh as it may sound, just because you have these feelings for your therapist doesn’t mean they feel the same way about you. It is important to remember not to have unrealistic expectations that your feelings will be automatically returned.

Now that you have made it to the end, I know what you are waiting for and I will deliver. If you don’t know, my wife is a therapist (if you have read our other blog posts then you already know this). She is not my therapist (sadly, because she’s a damn good one), but she is a therapist. That doesn’t have a lot to do with the story I’m going to tell, but it gives some insight and credibility to my knowledge on the topic.

As I mentioned in the blog post above, it is entirely possible that a therapist and a client can mutually fall in love and act on those feelings. In almost all cases, this is detrimental to the client because they find out that their therapist isn’t how they imagined and the reality falls short of the expectations. Furthermore, because of the attachment to their therapist, when the relationship ends, it can be very confusing and devastating for the client. There is a reason for the ethical code and it is to protect the client from harm, whether now or in the future. There is also the issue of an imbalanced power dynamic. If a client and therapist enter into a romantic relationship during or post therapy, the therapist is, by every account, in the power position. This creates an imbalanced dynamic that is one sided, unfair, and unhealthy in nature. In therapy, the therapist is always the listener, the therapist remains neutral and non-judgmental, the therapist does not show anger or indifference towards the client, the therapist is kind, compassionate, and empathetic. I’m sure you can see how that is not the realistic expectation of a romantic partner because that is one-sided. That same therapist will be a different person in a romantic relationship.

Here’s the part of the blog post that will probably get the most hate. It is my personal opinion that client/therapist relationships cross the line way more than is admitted. I think that this contributes to the taboo nature surrounding the topic and it makes it all the more desirable to some.

I will not make mention of any names, but I will tell the story of someone I personally know who fell in love with their therapist and it worked out like everyone who ever feels that way imagines and dreams of. Go ahead and get excited if you’ve been hanging on in hopes of hearing how it does work out….rarely.

A close friend of mine met their spouse via the client/therapist relationship. They immediately were attracted to their therapist but in more than a physical way. They felt these feelings before therapy even began but chose to give therapy a try anyway. They told me right away when this happened and all they talked about was their therapist and how entranced they were by them, but not because of their profession but because of the person they felt they truly were. After a few sessions my friend realized they weren’t really getting anything “therapy” wise from the sessions because they simply could not view their therapist as, well, their therapist. They never saw them as a therapist and was more interested in learning about their therapist as a person rather than confiding in them the way a client should. Their therapist remained very professional throughout their sessions and appropriately redirected any testing of boundaries. A few months after that, my friend’s therapist changed roles at their company and could no longer see my friend as a client. They had a couple more sessions and then the therapist/client relationship was appropriately terminated and all communication between the two of them ceased. My friend never told their therapist about their feelings and they were saddened by the end of therapy for a while afterwards. A couple of years later my friend ran into their old therapist at the supermarket and they got to talking and exchanged numbers. They started texting more and more and started to hang out and do things together. Eventually they started dating and seeing each other romantically. Come to find out, the therapist had felt the same way about my friend the entire time they were having therapy together but knew that it would have been unethical and potentially harmful to act on those feelings. Now they have been happily married for years, not without challenges though. To hear it from my friend, they explained how it is more difficult than they imagined it would be back when they first developed those feelings in therapy, but much like me, they feel their marriage to a therapist is the most rewarding relationship they have ever had.

I like to keep things real here on our blog, and to me, this is a very real topic that I have seen first hand. Watching my wife in every day life, I don’t see her as a therapist either, but I can see why someone would fall in love with her based off of her profession. She is very good at what she does and she touches people in a way that I’ve never seen before. So I can see how she would appear very Casanova like. But no, you can’t have her 😉

I would like to wrap up by reminding you that it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to develop feelings for your therapist and that these feelings are most likely coming from a place inside of you that needs healing. I encourage you to speak with your therapist about your feelings but please understand that the feelings are almost certainly not mutual and would never (in an ethical therapeutic relationship) be acted on.